I’m not an expat. I don’t have a migration background.
I grew up here. I speak the language, know the codes, and fit in without trying.
That’s why it took me a long time to hear what others kept saying.
That many experience Germans as polite but not open.
Friendly, but not inviting.
Correct, but cold.
I used to think this was normal.
Friendship, in my world, takes time.
You don’t ask twice.
You don’t show up unannounced.
You don’t talk about personal things at work.
So when someone said, “It’s hard to make German friends,”
I assumed they just needed more time
More openness
More patience
But maybe it’s not about time
Maybe it’s about how we define friendship in the first place
What I had never questioned:
We often separate what others combine
Private and public
Colleagues and friends
Politeness and closeness
We don’t mean to exclude
But the way we include is often invisible
We wait
We test
We build trust slowly
And by the time we feel ready to open up
Others may have already moved on
Someone had to tell me
That being friendly at work
Doesn’t replace being invited after work
Maybe this is a mirror for others too
What if the difficulty of forming friendships
Is not about “them”
But about our own silent norms?
And what if integration doesn’t only begin
When we invite others in
But also when we step out?
Into shared spaces
Onto shared tables
With the courage to be imperfect
German Friendship
